he pathological fear of interaction with men

The narcissist selected you because they were attracted to your qualities. Recognising envy during idealisation Emptiness Equally though, envy inevitably also leads to devaluation & finally, discard. Pathological envy was the magnet that drew them to you & kick-started idealisation. And you, gorgeous one, were chosen as the narcissist’s reference point. Integral to feeding the narc’s ego is social comparison. As without comparison to some other, being ‘more than’ cannot be assessed.Īnd this is why, the narcissist chose you. The thing with being ‘more than’, is that it requires a reference point. To make the madness ‘work’, they endlessly chase substantiation that they are ‘more than’ all others (for the remainder of this piece we will refer to the bundle of narcissistic traits as the need to be ‘more than’ – for more on this concept read Proof the narcissist abuses you intentionally and will never change). Hence, the host of behavioural patterns which form their disorder. Clearly this is fraught with problems, being unattainable and all that. To the mind of the pathological narcissist, by assuming these attributes, the less desirable characteristics of humanity which inevitably reside in us all, are nullified since the good & the bad cannot coexist within their schema.Īside from their perfection being patently ridiculous & contrary to the human condition, this false-self has one helluva job.īecause the narcissist’s psychological survival is contingent on securing external validation through supply that their mythological perfection is reality. This false-self encompasses those traits of superiority, omnipotence & entitlement. The true-self is rejected, and in its stead, the false-self is fabricated to protect the narcissist from what they are psychologically unable to allow: that they are flawed just like the rest of us. Through ‘splitting’, a divided self is created comprised of the true-self & false-self (for more on splitting read From ‘soul mate’ to worthless: What’s behind the narcissist’s 180? and How the narcissist hooks you: Hoovering & baiting). Pathological narcissism can arise from developmental disruptions in early childhood, where a cohesive self-concept, or identity is never fully realised. Because if you ain’t got nothing going for you, there shouldn’t be anything to envy, right? In answering ‘why the narcissist chose you’ and proving you are gold we’re going to apply the lens of envy to their behaviours. I figure recognising the narcissist’s behaviour will be easier at this point than owning your beauty. My plan therefore is to convince you in a circuitous way. After all, you’ve been programmed to believe the opposite through narcissistic abuse. I recognise that accepting scientific findings that narcissists do seek out people with positive attributes, at the outset of healing, can be quite the challenge. Let’s help you find your way to remembering that you DO have a lot going for you.

Sure, you may not be perfect, but without doubt, the reason why the narcissist chose you, is because you have a lot going for you. Indeed, some go so far as to state that the narcissist views themselves as superior/perfect, and that they are attracted to similar others (Campbell, 1999 Lange, Crusius & Hagmeyer, 2016)…ergo, you must be pretty damned fine. Academic research evidences that these and other highly valuable & positive qualities are actively sought out by pathological narcissists in intimate relationships. I put to you gorgeous one, that these qualities are not merely ‘nice-things-people-say-to-lift-your-spirits’. I know how quickly you’ll dismiss this perspective as a glib effort on behalf of well-wishers to raise the spirits of survivors when reeling from the psychological pounding suffered at the hands of the narc.īut what if these characteristics are actually closer descriptors of who you are, than those the narcissist would have you believe? In your journey through research or therapy, you may have come across the view that targets are generally intelligent, attractive, accomplished and/or strong people.īut I know you gorgeous one.

He pathological fear of interaction with men